As I sit to type this, I feel a small tightening in my stomach. Partly because I can't believe I'm going to do this, partly because I still feel shame about what I did to my body and partly because I just don't like talking about myself! To be honest, I'd have to go back to my child hood. I was taught to clean my plate because "there are starving kids in _____." There was a game played at the dinner table, the "bet you can't eat one more bite" game. Don't get me wrong, there were good things about how I was raised in terms of eating. We ALWAYS ate at the table. That's something I instill in my family. But I was taught to clean my plate. Leftovers were being wasteful and we didn't have the money to be wasteful. I also grew up in, and am still in, a very southern family. I love my dad, but that man has fried food every day! Sometimes every single food item in a given meal is fried! We love our southern roots, and our southern food even more! Anywho, I was never one of the skinny girls in high school. I was never a big girl either. The older I got, the more self conscious I became of the fact that I was not a "skinny girl." My dad, being the big, strong, southern mind set man, wasn't exactly free flowing of compliments. I didn't grow up hearing my father tell me I was beautiful. I don't have resentment or animosity towards my father for these things, however I think they molded me. As a teen, I remember being ok with my size. I wanted to be "skinny" but I didn't diet or become physically active to accomplish it, so I'd say that I was content with my size. Over the next few years, this continued. After I married David, I started going to the gyms on post. I would go a few times a week. When he deployed to Iraq, I went even more because I had lots of free time.
David and I, Christmas of 2003
Overall though, I was happy. I would have liked to been smaller but I was ok with my size. And I had David, who has never made me feel anything less than beautiful. He has always expressed his strong attraction to me, one of the things I love so much about him. We move to Italy and I get more "into" exercising. This is when I really learned the meaning of an intense workout! And I liked it! I began to run, after years of saying that "I'm not a runner. I'll never be a runner because my legs are too short." My girlfriend Claire started it. She lived next to us and was trying to lose baby weight. She invited me to go run with her, around the Grisignano neighborhood. David offered to go with me and assured me that he could pace me. At this time in my life, I'm very physically active, about 140ish lbs, no muscle. So we all go run. I ran 4 miles that day. That was a light bulb moment for me. David was right, I could run. It was all about pacing myself. So I began to run. Claire and I would leave the daycare we both worked out and run Mount Berico. This is a well known loop from the base to a church in Vicenza and back. Then I got pregnant. At the time I got pregnant with Hannah, I weighed more than I had in my life, 152 lbs. That's a lot on a 5'2 frame.
This was in July of 2006. I got pregnant in August.
In order to avoid a lengthy blog posting, I'll pick up on Part 2 tomorrow.
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